On-line Dating and Science

Geek that I am (Dad is a former physicist, 2 sisters are engineers), I ran across a review on the ScienceDaily blog of a research paper on on-line dating. For anyone who is looking for relationships on-line, or has a friend who is looking ? the review had some very eye-opening information.

The article says, on the one hand,?The digital revolution in romance is a boon to lonely-hearters, providing greater and more convenient access to potential partners, reports the team of psychological scientists who prepared the review.?

But on the other hand, a reviewer says after looking at the results of this scientific survey: ?Comparing dozens and sometimes hundreds of possible dates may encourage a ?shopping? mentality in which people become judgmental and picky, focusing exclusively on a narrow set of criteria like attractiveness or interests. And corresponding by computer for weeks or months before meeting face-to-face has been shown to create unrealistic expectations.? In other words, the average man starts behaving like the average woman and the average woman turns into a ? praying mantis? yikes!

Sorry for the gruesome imagery. But there is an important point to this article. When people try to turn love into a digital commodity, they may be setting themselves up for failure. The reviewers note:

Online sites may encourage ?soulmate? search. The authors caution that matching sites? emphasis on finding a perfect match, or soulmate, may encourage an unrealistic and destructive approach to relationships. ?People with strong beliefs in romantic destiny (sometimes called soulmate beliefs) ? that a relationship between two people either is or is not ?meant to be? ? are especially likely to exit a romantic relationship when problems arise ? and to become vengeful in response to partner aggression when they feel insecure in the relationship.?

So that very dream of finding the perfect man (or woman) in the digital Sears catalog on-line can turn into the nightmare of ending up with a defect ridden Frankenstein. That little habit you found adorable in your parent (the inept handyman or the bad cook) becomes the deal breaker in the date you meet on-line. After bringing home the big purchase, the slightest blemish is enough reason to take it back to the store.

But people do not come with money-back guarantees or customer service. Love means taking a gamble. Finding a person on-line is not supposed to be like purchasing the latest electronic toy on the Sharper Image. It is more like getting a big, thick novel at the used book store. The opening line is intriguing. The cover is a nice color. Sure there are the reviews from other readers (actually, wouldn?t that be interesting? Reviews from past relationships?) but you don?t expect to return a big fiction book simply because there are a few scratches on the cover. You take the book home, curl up with it on the sofa, and read at least the first chapter.

But you don?t burn the book and complain to everyone, ?This book doesn?t enthrall me!!? Even if the book disappoints you, it might be just what someone else is looking for. Or maybe it just isn?t the right time in your life to read this particular book. So the next time you go on a date with someone you meet on-line, be willing to at least listen to the first chapter. And even if his story doesn?t appeal to you, don?t bite the poor guy?s head off!

P.S. Here?s the original paper put out by the Association of Psychological Science.

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