First family holiday | a small song

It was probably stupid of me to start my graduate program this semester, when my youngest is still more of a baby than a toddler and I?m already trying to do way too much between the kids, my job, and no babysitter. (It?s just, we had the perfect babysitter in North Carolina. She was like my daughter?s big sister. And I know that whomever we find here in Maryland?won?t be her. Bah, I hate the hypothetical new babysitter already!) Hence my most recent lapse in blogging. I?ve been writing ? sometimes it feels as if that?s all I ever do ? just not here. Sorry about that.

I do want to do better. It?s just so hard right now. In general, I find it insulting it when people make comments such as ?I don?t know how you get anything done working from home!? ? because I feel as if they are assuming that I?m not getting anything done. I mean, you say the word ?telecommute? and people conjure up this vision of you chomping down on bon-bons while you troll Pinterest for new recipes and clothes you cannot afford and your kids stare at the TV, drooling. But now, after my first few months as a parent/professional/part-time student (sans babysitter), I finally understand why some people cannot imagine a scenario in which I am actually productive or sane. I can barely imagine such a scenario anymore.

Anyway. Life is good, even if it is also completely crazy. I am about to turn 31. How about that, huh? I?m practically 40. (Not that 40 is all that scary, but that same year that I turn 40, my eldest daughter will turn 13, and that is freaking terrifying.)

My sister, her husband, and their daughter ? now 18 months, just two months older than my youngest ? were here in April, their first visit since we moved back to Maryland. We were able to celebrate our first holiday together, Korean Easter (you know, much like your Easter, but with lots more bulgogi and kimchi). We went to Mass on Easter morning, though I spent 95% of the liturgy outside with a fussy baby, and then came home and stuffed ourselves full of Korean food. The three cousins had an Easter egg hunt (the eggs were filled with candy for the oldest, and flavored rice puffs for the babies).

The rest of the week was pretty low-key, though we did visit the National Zoo and the botanical gardens and Great Falls. My brother-in-law did a lot of geocaching; messed-up east coast geography allowed him to seek out caches in several different states. The four of us adults stayed up until midnight or later every night, even though we were increasingly sleep-deprived as the week went on and morning comes quickly when you have small children. Somehow we never ran out of things to talk about (would that the same could be said about our Easter candy).

It was a wonderful week, but as always it was so difficult to say good-bye to Cindy at the end of it. The time we get to spend together means so much to both of us, and when we?re apart ? as we are, most of the time, with a country between us ? it just feels too uncomfortably like all those years when we weren?t a part of each other?s lives at all. It?s not that I doubt she?s in my life to stay ? in truth, I am more sure of her than I am of many people I?ve known all my life. The connection we?ve forged, for all its newness, is not a fragile thing. But we?ve had so much less time together than I?ve had with other family members, and just as I?m still not entirely used to being a sister ? having a sister, realizing what that means ? I?m also not used to living so far away from her. I?m not used to missing her.

I?m not used to missing anyone in my family, really. Nor am I used to relying on any of them. I don?t mean that to sound cold, although I know it does. It?s just that my relationships with members of my adoptive family are too complicated and stressful for something as simple as ?I miss you.? Cindy is much more of a friend to me than anyone else in my family (excepting my husband, of course), and a source of support and ?empathy and unconditional love. I try to provide the same to her, and I truly hope that I never fail her, because I know she won?t fail me. What we have, as her husband pointed out on this recent visit of theirs, is something wholly positive and surprisingly uncomplicated in the midst of an extremely complicated situation. It?s not something I ever would have expected, but given what my other family relationships are like ? and what Cindy?s are like ? I realize it is partly because we need each other. Before, there was no one like Cindy in my life, and despite being very annoying I know that I am something new to her as well. We each fill a hole in the other?s life.

My husband and I are used to having family members come and visit, but it?s always his family, never mine. Now that Cindy and her husband and daughter have been here, in this ridiculous townhouse we?re renting in suburban Maryland, it feels more like home. I?m so glad my sister and I had the chance to spend another week together. It was a thrill to meet my niece for the first time, and have Cindy meet my youngest. We all loved seeing the cousins play together, spotting the differences as well as the little similarities between them. A few years ago Cindy and I didn?t even know each other, and neither of us had children. Now, we?re family, and our family is growing.

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