^Jessica and her ex during one of their 3am Skype dates
by Jessica Farkas
I have only ever been in two long distance relationships. One lasted two years, the other lasted two weeks, and you don?t have to be Nancy Drew to figure out that means I didn?t get my fairytale ending with the Thor guy.
The thing about long distance relationships is they are hard and they suck. The lack of physical connection must be balanced by a strong emotional bond. When you?re not constantly reminded of that emotional bond, usually one of two things happens: 1) you turn into some needy, high maintenance whiner, or 2) you simply lose interest in the relationship altogether.
That being said, it can be done. If you are truly so crazy about someone that you are willing to commit despite the hundreds of miles standing in the way, then you will find a way to make it work.
Here are a few essential steps to follow in order to make it work:
1. Know exactly where you stand.
This seems self-explanatory, but it is never more important to know where you stand in a relationship than when that relationship is long distance. When you live in the same city as someone and spend time with that person regularly, it is normal to play things by ear and wait to see which path the relationship takes. But if you are committing yourself to someone you may not see for weeks ? or even months ? at a time, establishing parameters is crucial. Nobody likes having the ?let?s put a label on this relationship? talk, but if you?re considering committing yourself to someone who lives far away, it is absolutely necessary. It?s better to lay it all out in the beginning than to go months thinking you were one thing while the other person was on an entirely different wavelength.
2. Remember you are in a relationship.
Now that you?ve officially labeled your relationship a relationship, try not to forget that you are, in fact, in a relationship. This sounds silly, but when you don?t see (or sometimes even hear from) someone every day, it can be easy to forget that what you have is special and worth working towards. Remember why you made a commitment to someone so far away. Remember that what you have with that person is more important than whatever temptation you are facing nearby. If you do things right, this step should be the easiest one.
3. Start every day with a ?good morning? and end it with a? ?goodnight.?
Even if all you have time for is a quick text message, the sentiment of a ?good morning? and a ?goodnight? is clear: It is a simple, effective way to let the other person know that they were the first thing you thought of when you woke up that morning, and the last thing you thought about before you went to bed that night.
4. Have something to look forward to.
Make an effort to see each other. Say you are going to buy a plane ticket to visit the other person on such and such a date. AND THEN DO IT. Don?t just say you are going to visit. Purchase the ticket. Get the confirmation email. Print it out, put it on your calendar, and then look at it every single day. If you have nothing to look forward to, then what do you have? The here and now of a long distance relationship is the hard part. What keeps you going is the anticipation and excitement for the next time you?ll see each other.
5. Communicate.
We are living in a time where there are roughly a bazillion ways to communicate with other human beings. We have cell phones that might as well be surgically implanted into our palms. In addition to phone calls, we have text messaging, email, Skype, video chat, and a postal service that is able to deliver hand-written letters and fun little packages over night for a small fee. There is no excuse to go even a day without communicating with someone you really care about. So call. Send text messages throughout the day just to let the other person know they are on your mind. Write emails with links to a song that reminds you of the other person or a video that you know will make them laugh. Schedule a time to meet online for a video chat date via Skype (it?s a free service and the primary reason my successful long distance relationship worked). Send care packages in the mail with thoughtful trinkets and treats. Constant communication is absolutely necessary in a long distance relationship because really that?s all you?ve got for the time being.
6. Stay busy.
No matter how many video chat dates you schedule, how many cute little text messages you receive, there are going to be times when you miss each other and start to feel lonely. Don?t let it get the best of you! Take up a new hobby. Clean your apartment. Start a workout regimen so you?re looking extra good the next time you do get to see each other. Keep your brain and body busy. This helps not only to get your mind off the fact that you can?t be with the other person, but also to be the best person you can be. Whether you are in a relationship or not, you should always be working towards bettering yourself.
?7. Have a little trust.
Perhaps the most difficult part about long distance relationships is maintaining a trust with someone who lives so far away. You are not going to have any idea what the other person is doing during most hours of most days. And that?s okay. You don?t need to know each other?s every move. Trust that whatever the other person is doing, it?s not cheating on you. Just because someone doesn?t answer his cell phone at 10pm doesn?t mean he?s banging that hot coworker he went to lunch with that afternoon. Just because his response to your text message wasn?t immediate does not mean he doesn?t care about you and what you have to say. Be reasonable and understand that although there are roughly a bazillion ways to communicate, there are still situations in which a person might not be able to hit you back with an immediate response.
8. Remind each other why you are in this relationship to begin with.
There are going to be times when you wonder why you would have ever even considered signing up for something so difficult. There are going to be temptations you never knew existed, and there are going to be days that you just want to give up. It is going to be really, really hard. But if it?s worth it, you are going to make the long distance relationship work. So remember why it?s worth it. Why are you in this relationship? What makes the other person so special and what makes the two of you work so well together? Remind each other of those things, and remind each other often. Because so long as you are thinking about why you ARE in the relationship, you won?t wonder if it might be better if you were not.
I promise you this: If you want it bad enough, it is possible to have a successful, meaningful long distance relationship. The longest and best relationship I?ve ever been in started out as a long distance relationship. We followed all the guidelines I mentioned above and after a few months, I packed my Camaro with everything I owned and drove to the other side of the state to move in with him.
If you ever want to talk or vent about your long distance relationship (or any other sex/love/relationship-related issue) please feel free to email Jessica at jessica@wildflowermagazine.com.
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